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Contest Help - Extract by ~Bec0530:iconBec0530:



          A rough knock on the door made Isabella jump as it echoed in the quiet building. There weren’t many visitors to the Genealogy department of the archives daily, but they always came with an appointment set. Isabella thought back to her planner and realized that she didn’t have any appointments that day.
          “Ben, can you get that?” She asked as she continued with the papers she was currently sorting. She heard him move from his desk over to door, and she heard the sound of the door opening. The words were a bit muffled, and Isabella couldn’t understand what was being said, but when she looked up Ben was right in front of her looking anxious.
          “There are some men out front asking for you.” He said as he tilted his head in the direction of the front door, and then headed back to his desk.
          “Thanks,” Isabella replied as she got up from her desk and walked down the little hallway towards the front door. “I wonder what they want.” Isabella thought to herself as she finally saw the visitors.
          Two men stood in the entrance looking very out of place in the brown, old office. Their crisp black suits, matching sunglasses and fit, built figures reminded Isabella of bodyguards, but their expressions looked more like an executioner’s.
          “How can I help you gentlemen?” Isabella asked apprehensively as the men only stiffened and looked daunting. “You usually need an appointment to-“
          “Are you Isabella Marie Russo?” The one man asked as he looked down at her with a frown.
          “Yes, but-“ Isabella managed to get in before she was interrupted again.
          “You’re going to have to come with us.” The other man said as he reached out for her.
          “Excuse men, but who are you? And why do you want me?” Isabella said loudly as she pushed the man’s hand away and took a step back.
©2008-2009 ~Bec0530
:iconbec0530:

Author's Comments

Alright, so here is an extract that I might end up using.
I want some opinions on it first of course- and if it's not good enough I'll write another.

Comments


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:iconemopizza:
*points* Russo!!!

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I'll make you squeal, like a CANARY!
:iconbec0530:
Yes, I used the name you suggested.
Now do you have any help to provide? :XD:

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...It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them...
:iconemopizza:
:laughing: No, not yet. I need more info!

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I'll make you squeal, like a CANARY!
:iconbec0530:
More? The limit for the whole thing is 500 words and that's 450 some as it is.
So the extract can't be any longer, it just needs to be good enough or not good enough.

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...It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them...
:iconemopizza:
Oh. I was hoping you would write more. :( Well I want to read more, so doesn't that mean it is good?

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I'll make you squeal, like a CANARY!
:iconbec0530:
That's a good sign.
But put yourself in the judge's shoes, does this stand out enough to give a prize to? It is mystery, awesome enough to win?

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...It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them...
:iconemopizza:
Well it is hard to say without seeing other entries. But it makes me want to know more. I mean, it's ominous and scary. No offense or anything, but maybe men in black suits are overused in other mysteries? Isabella right now seems like a girl who might just be drug along, not, you know, spunky or really curious as to what the hell is the matter. But then, to have a librarian go all kung fu in the first 500 words isn't really realistic either. I mean, she is a librarian, not Jackie Chan.

I really hope you decide to write more, whether you win or no. Please? :iconmoarplz:

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I'll make you squeal, like a CANARY!
:iconbec0530:
I'm thinking I will write more.
Would changing her reaction at the end make her more spunky?

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...It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them...
:iconemopizza:
Perhaps, but it might change how you wanted her character to be.

--
I'll make you squeal, like a CANARY!

Details

August 27, 2008
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